Most of us were not raised in an environment where healthy, present, loving, kind and caring relationships were modeled. We might have had it with a teacher or friend. We may have read about it or seen it in a movie. We likely figured out much of what we wanted in a relationship from what was missing in our primary relationships growing up.
Many of us were taught to suffer, settle, survive, resist, avoid and deny in relationships. We created coping mechanisms that had us be selfish or selfless. We learned to overcome or compensate for the lack of love as we were growing up in a myriad of ways. We looked to external sources to give us a feeling of love. We lacked the ability to simply be present and loving with ourselves.
We live at a great time in history. There are many paths to healing the wounding around love from our history. We can shift the unconscious context we have about love by doing transformational work. There is more freedom about what role you want to and can play in a loving relationship. Being is able to be accessed at will. There are books, seminars, workshops, coaches, trainers, consultants and match makers all able to help shift and design a relationship to love.
We already are what we are looking for.
The good news is 99% of us were born beings of love. Show me an arrogant baby. Show me a baby who does not want to be held, touched and played with. We already are what we are looking for. It's inside almost all of us. But many of us are seeking an answer or key, as though it was magical and distant, instead of being our essential nature.
The presence part to love is key. Many of us DO love in a predictable cycle. We are swept away at the start with love and romance, we fall in love and enjoy the ride, things get challenging and we rely on old and rusty habits/conversations/reactions to try and survive. It ends, or we endure some further years. And then we begin again. Or give up and be alone.
Photo by Hans Phillips
But if you can work on being present with and for yourself, master that, then be in a relationship and practice being present with love and another person, well that's the adventure of life and love. And it can/will take years. But being alone is too easy. Being automatic is not satisfying. Doing the same cycle with love along with the same reasons, stories, excuses and complaints is BORING.
So focus on presence. Focus on being. Work on expanding what you can be with. What you can be in service of. What you can be present in the face of. And what you can be in action on. This is true love. This is a life well lived.