How long has the storm been brewing? Years? Or did it come out of nowhere? Either way, it's scary to find yourself at the effect of something so powerful. It runs your mind, your heart and your body. It makes you eat more or less. It has you upset or numb. It takes your breath away as you try to imagine a future without your significant other.
Or, perhaps you are leaving and it's a relief. But the problem with relief for most people is they are not responsible for what they are getting relief from. So they end up creating another cycle and need relief again somewhere down the road.
Does divorce have to be angry? Does it have to be a storm where you wonder if you are going to survive? I say no, but I've never gone through a divorce so I don't really know. My friend Sandrine Perradin, author of the book, 'A Family No Matter What' and coach for fathers and husbands going through divorce, has done years of research on this very topic. And her divorce, although not easy or fun, landed gracefully for all.
I have coached numerous executives and entrepreneurs going through profound relationship difficulties which sometimes lead to divorce. I would report a number of similarities...
Overwork
Numbing agents
Loneliness
Attempts at therapy
Lack of authenticity
Hope
Upset
Illness/disease
Effort
Resignation
Not the best state to be in to deal with the potential loss of a love. Reactive, protective, easily scared, confused, feeling lost and overwhelmed were just some of what they reported.
Now what? This next part seems a bit counter intuitive. Shouldn't you just bob along and let the currents have their way with you? You can't fight the storm, right? Let's imagine we could take you back in time a month and you knew the storm was coming and you were going to be in the thick of it. Here are some proactive moves you might make...
Practice 'super self care'. Make your well being your NUMBER ONE priority. It's the foundation for all the rest of your experience, so why wouldn't you focus on this each and every day.
Get your nutrition clean and of high quality. Your going to need great fuel to make it through in a powerful way. Focus on this and manage the junk food/sugar/carbs that lead to lethargy and low self esteem.
Destress on purpose. If you are going to be in the eye of the storm, you want to be as calm as possible in that intense situation. A wrong decision or sudden move could prove to be very dangerous. Not just for you but for all involved.
Support from your community. This is a little touchy because you are not looking for sympathy and you don't want to tell your side of the story twenty five times. Different members of your community contribute different things to your life. Be with them on purpose to enjoy and experience that thing. Is it laughter? Insight? Support? Great cooking? Fun times watching a movie and talking about it afterwards? Whatever it is, get yourself supported by your people. You are not alone.
Fast from some things you currently rely on. You are going to have lean times ahead. If you are 'fluffy', this will be harder for you. Get lean. Be a little hungry even. Likely your lust and greed may have contributed to the pending breakup. Fast from behaviors, substances and habits. Get back to a place of choice. Let go of needing to be compulsive to 'feel better'. You don't, right? Practice letting it go.
Hydrate. Your under tremendous stress. Your system is going at a fast pace or has slowed to nearly zero. Either way, add water to lubricate the friction that is happening throughout your life as you navigate the storm.
What else? What do you know would be good for you or a friend in this situation? What would you tell yourself if you were your best friend and could see the tumultuous future they were about to encounter.
A storm is a big event. It can be scary and anxiety producing… But it will pass.
A storm is a big event. It can be scary and anxiety producing. Fear can be present. But it will pass. It may take years to get over, but you will find yourself again. Get help. Ask for support. Read books. See a specialist. Manage yourself as you go through this seemingly unmanageable situation. You can get through it. Your experience is completely up to you, even though it seems you are at the effect. Take the helm. Steer yourself through the storm. You can do it.