Do you notice repeating patterns in your life that you would like to interrupt? How come they happen? What is the source? What is the benefit? Why do we keep paying the same price over and over again? It doesn't feel good, why can't we stop it!
My wife made an observation a couple years ago. I always seem to have a bully in my life. That was not my day-to-day experience, but sure enough, she was right. And it has been going on throughout my entire life. How could I miss it? And why did it keep happening? And how could I end it, once and for all?
My family was dysfunctional. There was sarcasm, shaming and put downs. This was just the water we swam in, so we didn't know any different. Because of our intellect, our tongues became surgical over time. We cut deep with our words. You did NOT want to mess with us. It seemed normal in our family. Sometimes others found it funny. Sometimes friends would take me aside in later years, and ask me to dial it back because I was hurting people's feelings. Hurt feelings were not a luxury we could afford growing up in our family!
So the bullying started early. It was at home and at school. There was no respite. And it continued into college where an entire fraternity targeted me. But again, this was normal as far as I was concerned. Just a part of my life. Don't know why it's happening, but have to deal with the consequences. And be vigilant so as not to get attacked without warning. Sounds exhausting? Well it was. But I could not change it...
Adult bullying happened as well. In jobs, in public and with “friends”. I tolerated, endured, and suffered. I likely was in denial about it as well. It felt like I had a target on my back, but in reality it was just old dysfunction and the learned coping behaviors that allowed me to survive playing out again and again.
The interesting part is those defensive behaviors attract people, circumstances, and things to engage with. My focus had me interacting in a way that made it certain I would re experience my old reality so I could survive once again. So my old patterns, beliefs, perspectives, emotional, and mental states were conspiring to create a reality from the past. Familiarity is all I have? Where's the off button? How do I change channels?
Like most wounding, there is no quick and easy path to healing.
Like most wounding, there is no quick and easy path to healing. It takes time and practice, not to mention some re-wiring to interrupt and then create new realities. But it is possible. I am living proof. I have spent most of my life working on designing, creating, and living into a reality that is fun, healthy, satisfying, and powerful. I have created safety where there was chaos and danger, and sanity where there was reactivity and dysfunction. And I have guided others to do the same in my consulting and coaching practice.
You can have a brilliant life. You must bring in new knowledge, skills, awareness and practices over time. That's the hard part. It's not fun, interesting, or comfortable, but the alternative is the repeating negative patterns!
So find books, workshops, seminars, physical rituals, groups, trained professionals and support to help you break the patterns that no longer serve you. We don't do anything without a payoff, so look there first. What are you getting from the reoccurring and familiar reality?
Take committed and regular action to create a new foundation. Add some new healthy friends to your life and practice new behaviors. You will also likely want to add some new daily self care to inform and guide you to a new path to a successful and brilliant life. Let's GO!