I was in my office in the little cottage out back of our new house. It was the perfect set up for our little family. Two bedrooms and a little back yard for our young son Morgan to play in. Newly restored by the owner, we were happily getting used to the new space. Desiree knocked at the cottage door. Odd, because usually she left me to do my calls undisturbed until I came in at evening. "Come in," I said, wondering if there was something wrong. "I just wanted to let you know I want you to have breakfast each morning with me and Morgan, OK?" What? I had been an entrepreneur for fifteen years. I worked my own hours, took vacations every three months and made money for us. Wasn't that enough? My calls with my clients back East and in Europe had me on the phone at 5AM. Breakfast? That was just going to interrupt my flow! "Yes, of course, that sounds great," I said, hoping she didn't mean every day. But she did. So from that day forward, I would come in at 7:00 and eat breakfast with my new family. My resistance quickly disappeared, as I enjoyed our new son and his joyful discovery of food and life.
Fast forward three months. Another knock at the door, this time in the late afternoon. Desiree came into the office and said, "I need for you to be done with work by 5:00 so we can all have dinner at 5;30." Wait, WHAT? More time not working? But what if a call ran over? What if I needed to book a call AT 5;00? What if I needed to do an evening call? "OK honey, I will start blocking my calendar for that from here on out.," I said, this time certain she meant every day.
“If hard work was the answer, everyone who is working hard would be successful, and they are not”
-Tex
If you do the math, and she had, my early AM start times meant that most days I worked 8 hours by the time it was 2:00 in the afternoon. And what she didn't want was for me to become one of my mentoring clients who was working 10-12 hours days, 5-6 days a week. So her requests were reasonable. But in the world of start-ups and entrepreneurs, you start work as soon as you can and you work till you can't work anymore. That way you don't feel guilty about not doing everything you can to succeed. But as my mentor Tex said many years ago, "If hard work was the answer, everyone who is working hard would be successful, and they are not." As a new father, I had fallen into that mindset.
There was a national study some years ago that says the average father spends 15 minutes a day with their children. And I was on my way to that. Desiree knew that the years we had with our young son were fleeting. And there would be no getting them back if I missed them. Even without children, my executive coaching clients struggled with work/life balance, mostly erring on the side of work because it is often easier than the challenges of their primary relationships. But I noticed hiding in work leads to compulsive behavior on one side and resentment from partners and family on the other..
So, I urge you to schedule yourself and your needs first. NOT the work related ones, the personal ones. And then schedule your relationship needs. And then children. And THEN work. It will feel odd. You will likely be the only one doing it. But it's good for you, your family and your relationships. And people know that. Awareness is not enough. You have to take your awareness and put it into action. Set the example. In the end, I was able to compact my work day into three days a week. I worked 8 hours each day. I attended all my sons' events. I drove him to school or picked him up each day. Time was expansive and a resource. I was proud of myself and so grateful to Desiree for setting those healthy boundaries all those years ago.
Finally, there were days when I needed to work late. There were times when I missed a meal. But just like being overdrawn at the bank, I made sure I gave the time BACK the same week. I made the request in advance, and then devoted time to replenish what I had taken shortly after.
Good luck to us all. It's a lifetime practice...